“What about selling them on e-bay?” suggested Lesley. I bet we’d get a mint!”

“God strewth,” said Archie. “We’ve reached the lowest of the low. They’ll be downloading us dogs next!”

“I don’t care what Nathan thinks,” declared Lesley. We share a battlefield daily, Julia. You should see our bedroom. Nathan’s on the front line, what with all his shoes assembled in the corner. The flotsam and jetsam of a disintegrating marriage.”

Mistress took a handkerchief from her sleeve and wiped away a tear.

“Don’t say that, Lesley. You’re my best friends ..!”

“You never would have thought so,” I said to Archie. “Mistress tells some terrible tales about the two of them.”

Archie gave me a cuff about the ears with his front right paw. You keep mum, son, d’you hear me? No good comes of repeating what’s told you in the basket.”

I nodded. But I was miserable. What good was I if I couldn’t be a confidante to Mistress?

Meanwhile, both Mistress and Lesley were peering out of the window where a green hedge seemed to be on the move.

“Look out there!” cried Lesley. I’ve never seen that hedge before.” She tried to wave her empty glass towards the window but the glass came back and hit her on the nose.

A couple of ice blocks fell beside Archie. “Here,” he said. “One for each of us. We deserve a treat for listening to this rubbish ..!”

Archie and I sucked on our ice blocks and as we did, the hedge stood up.

It was the dreaded Inspector, Mr Greig.